Race Report

One day you will celebrate your 59th birthday surrounded by people you adore having fun their favorite way on the warm and sunniest day of the year—that is, if you’re as lucky as me.

Let us begin by thanking those who made the incredible possible.

First, all the amazing sponsors, whose generosity is only exceeded by the quality of their products:

Fireball Whiskey, Detours, Portland Design Works, Sock Guy, Liquid Courage Flasks, Pabst Blue Ribbon,  Haulin’ Colin Trailers, 2020 Cycle, Oury Grips, Swift Industries, Vapolution Vaporizers, SKS Germany, Walz Caps,  Peddler Brewery,  Bombus Bikes, Pace Sportswear, Bar Mitts, Planet Bike, Green Guru, Kryptonite Lock, Chrome, Swift Industries, Public Bikes, Zeitgeist Coffee, and Bill's Off-Broadway.

Seriously, folks, next time you buy something, buy it from one of them.

Second, the checkpoint helpers: Jen Dixon, first and foremost; Rob Johnson down by the lake,; Ben Greening, with young Gray on the beach;

Marley and Adam, personing Zeitgeist’; Donovan at the ballfields; and tehSchkott, makin’ friends at the Chrome Hub.

May you be as fortunate as me to have friends like you.

Third, the racers: 59 (can you believe it!) intrepid souls willing to navigate the highs and lows of Seattle and indulge in a variety of indulgences just to indulge a fellow as a way to commemorate his arrival on the planet fifty-nine fucking years ago.

You’re all winners in my book.

But, to be specific:

Fastest time went to Lieutenant Dan,

who, living up to my dear departed father’s favorite quote: “Old age and treachery will beat youth and enthusiasm every time,” somehow figured out a route—involving bushwacking the golf course—that even smoked world-class cycle messenger, Fast Fred,

who won the non-improvised route first prize.

Fastest lady was newcomer Jade,

who showed up late, but ended early.

“Professor Dave metric” (age, minus place, highest number prevails) went to high-school teacher David Katz, whose score, 48, would still be older than 88% of the field; congrats on snagging the coveted Vapolution Vaporizor!

Rachel surely garnered best “bikeasana” pose,

even if the judges may have awarded the prize to Fancy Fred.

DFL went to a quartet of riders—Jenny, Angelique, Andy, and and Kate—who probably could have used their PBR trophy to picnic along the route.

Luckily, no one died, and so prizes were awarded to all; a keg of Peddler pale ale was polished off at the after-party,

and no one when home empty-handed or bellied.

And finally, heartfelt thanks to Mother Nature who graced us all with loveliness from start to finish; honestly, how lucky can a guy be?

Downhill

In celebration of bikes, beer, the inexorable march of time, gravity, senescence, eschatology, and, oh my goodness, another decade of living drawing to a close, 327 Words proudly presents the 59 It's All Downhill From Here (Except When It Isn't) Time Trial, an alleycat-style bike race around a fair number high and low points in Seattle with checkpoints and performance detraction options galore beginning at 2020 Cycle at 21st and Union in Seattle, WA on Saturday, April 2, 2016 at 3:27 sharp, signups commencing around 2:30 or so.

Participants will pedal downhill as fast as their little legs can carry them and discover that getting to the bottom of things doesn't necessarily mean you've bottomed out nor that there's no place to go from there but up.

Every year, they say, the hills get a little bit steeper, but the good news is that this means the way down is that much faster, as well.

And once you've been down so long that it looks like up, then guess what?  More downhills to follow!

All this and more, out on two wheels, rain or shine, no crying or fatal crashes allowed.  Ten bucks suggested donation, free shot glasses for the first 59 riders,

Racers, competing in a group time-trial format, will have every opportunity to scale the heights of plumbing the depths and realize that the lower you go, the more things are looking up in every way.

Prizes—cash and bike schwag—will be awarded for fastest times, men’s and ladies’ divisions, as well as runner-up positions, including, of course, DFL.

Prize sponsors and friends currently on tap or being recruited include:Fireball Whiskey, Detours, Portland Design Works, Sock Guy, Liquid Courage Flasks, Pabst Blue Ribbon,  Haulin’ Colin Trailers, 2020 Cycle, Oury Grips, Swift Industries, Vapolution Vaporizers, SKS Germany, Walz Caps,  Peddler Brewery,  Bombus Bikes, Pace Sportswear, Bar Mitts, Planet Bike, Green Guru, Kryptonite Lock, with more to come! Don’t pass up your chance to ride through traffic, have a variety of adventures and misadventures, and always remember: Safety Third!

Friends, relations, and those too lazy to ride, but not to drink are invited to show up at Bill's Off-Broadway  after about 6:00 for more varieties of nonsense and shenanigans, and, at the bottom of it all, prizes, too!